Finding Hope in the Midst…

There are days that my heart still aches for a different time, days when I remember what it’s like to be so absorbed in a moment that there’s nothing else you can see around you.  Moments when I could melt from the heat raging inside of me, of a fire burning so strongly it fills my soul.  A warmth like a kiss of sunlight on my skin, a breath so deep and slow and full that my eyes close and I just inhale deeply, and feel my chest rise.  I remember a time before cancer when I could get lost in my own thoughts and hide from the world. I remember when flying made me feel like this.  There are times when I want to remember, but other times when I think it’s best not to dwell on it too long.

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As much as I want to let myself go and be filled with the joy of those moments, sometimes I think it’s best not to for fear of losing something else in my life.  Over the past few months, in addition to my breast cancer battle, I’ve lost my uncle, my brother and most recently my mother-in-law. It’s hard to find joy sometimes when so much sadness keeps rolling in. 

When I thought that I’d never fly again, all I wanted to do was run away.  I still have days that I just want to run.  There’s something inside of me lately that I can’t explain, something that makes me want to pack a backpack and just start walking with no where in particular to go. I want to sleep under the stars and stare up at the moon.  I want to experience the beauty of the world around me, get lost in a forest, sleep in a field, listen to the cicadas sing me to sleep. I want to find myself again. 

The moon
The moon

I feel like I a lost a big part of me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I can’t really explain it, it’s just something that I feel and I can’t explain this unbelievable urge that I have to to just pick up and go.

I started watching Tracks on Netflix recently, but I think I could relate more to The Way with Martin Sheen and the trek he made for his son on a pilgrimage.  It’s more about just walking and maybe along the way finding something that was missing inside me, or something that’s gone missing since I got cancer.  It’s not that I have anything to prove.  I just long for something more. Like I said, it’s not something I can explain, I just feel it. 

It’s feels like someone calling out to me, trying to urge me in a different direction.  It’s like I can’t hear for the noise around me and I need to get outside, lost somewhere that it’s quiet so that I can hear what I’m supposed to hear. Whatever that is I don’t know, but it’s what’s happening in me and from time to time, I just sit outside and stare up at the moon on a clear night and I try to shut out the world around me and just be still and listen.

Sunset
Sunset

I long to fly again, and I believe I’m getting closer to that happening. I wait for now, a bit impatiently, but still hopeful that the outcome will be positive.  Sometimes I want to scream because I’m afraid, but sometimes I just know that I’ll be back behind the controls soon. This journey hasn’t been easy, but if it was easy, then every body would be doing it, right?  Some days I feel like someone is saying to me, “How badly do you want this? How badly do you want to fly?”  It’s almost like I’m having to prove that I want it more than anything else.

Angela

The saying is that nothing worth having ever came easy.  Well, nothing you really want comes without work, effort, sweat and tears.  It’s been a compliation of emotions indeed, excitement, frustration, elation, tears, joy, sadness and now most of all, hopeful. It’s the only thing left to cling to and without it, I’d be lost for sure.

My heart does still ache for a different time, a different place, a time before cancer, but I’m also anxious to see where this journey is going to lead me as I come through this valley and start a new.  How can I not be more determined, more focused, more energetic?

Bring it on!!!

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

2 thoughts on “Finding Hope in the Midst…”

  1. Angela, sometimes, it takes life-altering events (such as your diagnosis) to remind us that life is a journey – not a destination.

    For instance, at the height of the recession, my long-held manufacturing business was dealt a type of “perfect storm” of events from which we began to nose-dive and, although we fought hard, we ultimately rode it all the way to the ground, never able to get it aloft again. Although it was not a body part being ripped out of me, it felt that way at the time. And I too felt very lost. Where do I go from here? As I peered out of the window of my life, I wondered, “what’s out there?” And, “am I too old to start over?”

    But in hindsight, this course of events forced me – hmmm…No, it actually allowed me to finally look outside the box I had sheltered myself in for 30 years. I recalled that there was so much more I had dreamed of doing, and a way in which I had dreamed of living…but I had felt it was just not meant for me. It didn’t fit my pre-conceived model. So, I had never dared!

    I won’t begin to think I know you well enough to tell you what to do or which way to look. But I can tell you what I, myself ultimately discovered… It wasn’t only looking ‘outward!’ That came next. Instead, I had to start by looking inward. Only then could I see outward in a clear way to the path that laid right before my feet. I’m now living again in a new way. A challenging way, but in a fulfilling way!

    So, my humble recommendation? Yes, get in touch with that inner voice that you hear calling you. As you rightly said, sometimes there’s so much noise that you just can’t hear it. So, consider taking a class in meditation, or in yoga, or in a prayer group, or whatever. For indeed, that voice IS calling you. It always has been. And no one can tell you what it’s saying but you. You now just have to amp-up your receiver to hear what it’s saying. The good news is, that voice contains the specific answers for you to live – to really live with purpose, contentment & joy!

    Angela, I just began praying that all of your hopes and dreams will come true! With love for the journey…Gene

    1. Thank you for the sweet words and encouragement. I’ve always been told that sometimes you have to fall on your face in order to look up. Sometimes, big changes, mean big rewards, not necessarily financially but perhaps emotionally or physically. Although this past year has held many changes and challenges for me, I’d say it’s been one of my best years. Maybe that has to do with perspective, maybe it’s just the fact that I’m still here and that I’m thankful for each day. It’s great to hear from you!

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