I did a post last Valentine’s Day about the state of my heart not too long after my breast cancer surgery.  I figured it might be good to do an update a year later and post cancer.

Those first few months were agonizing and long.  I wanted to die rather than face this battle.  I cried many tears.  I know it was hard for those closest to me.  I shut people out and buried myself from the world.

While it was probably the lowest point in my life, I can look back on that time, and see that it wasn’t the end of the world like I thought it was at the time.  It was a very difficult, intense time but in the end, I think I’m better for it.  If I had a choice, I would not choose this path; but, it is my path and from it, I’ve learned that I can get through just about anything now.

Continue reading The State of My Heart: A Year Later: Cancer Survivor →

There are days that my heart still aches for a different time, days when I remember what it’s like to be so absorbed in a moment that there’s nothing else you can see around you.  Moments when I could melt from the heat raging inside of me, of a fire burning so strongly it fills my soul.  A warmth like a kiss of sunlight on my skin, a breath so deep and slow and full that my eyes close and I just inhale deeply, and feel my chest rise.  I remember a time before cancer when I could get lost in my own thoughts and hide from the world. I remember when flying made me feel like this.  There are times when I want to remember, but other times when I think it’s best not to dwell on it too long.

Continue reading Finding Hope in the Midst… →

I don’t think you wake up one morning and say I think I’m going to be brave today.  I don’t think courage is something you consciously decide to do.  I think courage comes from within and unexpectedly, in moments when you decide not to give up regardless of how you’re feeling.  I think it comes when you decide to push on in spite of obstacles in your way.  Sometimes, I think it comes when you decide to sit out for a round.  I believe that knowing when you’ve had enough and need a rest also takes courage. Sometimes, it takes a leap of faith that comes from somewhere deep inside of you to muster the courage you need to proceed.

Continue reading Finding Normal Again →

Sharing my story hasn’t come easy for me, journaling about it is easy but sharing it, not so much.  It’s personal, it’s painful and it’s been life changing.

Continue reading Forever Changed →

It’s winter in my heart.  A lonely, barren, cold place today.  I search inside of me for signs of life, but the sun hasn’t shone here for days, weeks maybe and the bulbs of my heart are holding tightly to the dark, wet dirt of my soul.

Continue reading It’s Winter in My Heart →

I like to rise early and enjoy a cup of coffee, sit in the quiet before my day begins and the hustle of life kicks into high gear.  I have much in my head these days, and ponder life and meaning often.  Cancer can do that to you I guess, redirect your focus, change your priorities and cause you to question everything about your life. 

Continue reading Early Morning Thoughts and a Cup of Coffee →